Unsolicited Parenting Advice #6 (Sorta)

I remember the first time I took Charlie to the store by myself. Well, I don't actually remember if it was the exact first time, but to be fair, at that time in his life, I often didn't remember to eat, shower or urinate regularly. What I do remember was he was very, very little. As in, unable to focus on anything further than 3 inches from his face, little. And I imagine I just needed a couple things and thought to myself, "He'll be fine. How long can getting four items from the store take, anyway?"

I was such a fool.

He slept the whole time I was shopping. In other words, while the cart was moving. But, as soon as I entered a line to buy my groceries and the vibrations of the wheels stopped, he woke up. And since newborns are still are unclear as to why they are not swimming in around in a nice, warm water bath and receiving a constant supply of nutrients from the sandwiches and bowls of ice cream their mother is shoving into her face-hole, he got mad. Really mad.

As he started to scream, it felt like all eyes were on me which is not that far from the truth, considering we were trapped in a grocery store cue with no where to go. I could feel my pits moisten and that all too familiar tingle of my milk coming in. I tried to stay calm and just gently shush my sad little boy even though what I really wanted to do was start uncomfortably cry/laughing and say, "Ha! I just...it's just that, the thing is, hahahahahaha, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I"M DOING!"

I am not sure if everyone in front of me with paying with a check or if time was actually standing still for a brief moment, but after what seemed like hours, it was FINALLY my turn to pay. The checker then proceeded to tell me that my baby was crying.

Yes, he is. Thank you.

"He is hungry." She told me. I think I laughed nervously while awkwardly fumbling for my ATM card.

"I think he needs a bottle. You should bring a bottle with you because he is hungry." While trying to fight the puddles that were beginning to well in my eyes, I said, well, probably nothing. Or simply, "yeah" or "okay" and then took my bag of groceries and got the hell out of there. At the time, I remember thinking that maybe that lady was right. The truth was he probably woke up and felt hungry and started to cry. But that is not what I thought she was right about. Should I have a bottle with me all the time? I mean, I know I have chosen to exclusively breast feed but maybe I should have a a bottle of formula ready to go just because the random checker at Safeway says so. Because clearly I am a terrible excuse for a mother because my infant was crying for 17 seconds.

Of course, now that I am more experienced (and more rested on a daily basis) I realize that that lady can shove it. If I could go back in time I probably would have something something like, "Oh!!! Hungry!! So that is why he has been crying like that for the past four weeks! I mean, I fed him at the hospital but no one told me I had to keep feeding him! Thank you random lady and yes, I would like paper bags, please."

Why having a child also means that you are wearing a giant sandwich board that reads, "I NEED ADVICE" is so strange to me. Wendy Molyneux was able to explain exactly how I felt most times I went out in public with my newborn here. This is probably my favorite quote:

"Yes, he IS crying, isn’t he? You are right. He’s probably hungry. Should I feed him? And if so, where do I put the food? His eyeball? His butt? What kinds of cuts of meat do babies like? Should I not give him hot peppers? How much salt is too much, and when can I expect him to use a knife? If he spits up, should I have him put to sleep?"

 I speak only for myself, but what came to realize as I navigated the daily ins and outs of being a new parent is this: We have have no idea what we are doing and exactly what we are doing. We don't know what our child needs but know exactly how to fix it. And we are all just doing the best job we know how to do.

So please, parents of the world, have a little confidence in yourself because you know what you are doing. And if you don't, you'll figure it out. But rest assured that no one knows what your child needs better than you do.

And to the random lady in the office supply aisle at Target. Yes, my son is crying. And yes, he is probably hungry or he crapped his pants or I just told him that Santa isn't real. But you wanna know what I think? I promise you I know what I am doing and I don't need your help. So please, admire how adorable my child is and aside from the off chance that I leave his car seat on the hood of my car and start to drive away, kindly keep your big trap shut. And go with the mulit-colored post-it notes because, hey, go crazy.