Merry Christmas?

by Joel C. Daniel

(You may remember Joel from this post. Not quite the latkes and challah that I expected, but without a doubt, hilarious.)

When I think of Christmas, I think of farts. I think of farts because I think of cheese, which is about the only thing I can eat when I attend Christmas dinner.

I am half Jewish – the half that does not eat ham and keeps a jar of pennies above his desk. The other half is kind of a pagan – this half laughs at the Jewish half for not eating ham and keeping a jar of pennies above said desk. However, in my heritage are Christians; my mother’s mom (my grandma) is the most direct link. She has long since passed, yet I still attend Christmas dinner.

I always thought we went to this event to appease my grandmother, since for all intents and purposes I was raised a Jew – at least my mother always said – when she did not want me to participate in some activity – “Jewish boys don't [insert one: wrestle, play football, leave the toilet seat up, date until they are 30, drive over the speed limit, talk to their mothers that way].” However, secretly I always preferred Christmas to Hanukkah. The fact that there were candy canes, a tree covered in flair, rice pudding, and a visit from Santa were certainly favorable factors. But I realize now that it was really the cheese that drew me to the festivities – the cheese and the copious amounts of meat swimming together on the same plate at the same meal. Even though my family never ate Kosher, and I did not know all the rules officially until much later in life, I think a part of me intrinsically knew there was something wrong with my blasphemous behavior, and yet Christmas would seem the one night of the year I could have a free pass to sin. Thus, I indulged.

Or I used to indulge. I no longer partake in the copious consumption of meat on Christmas, or on any other day. That side of my family does not believe in white meat, and I no longer eat the red stuff – I have become a quasi-environmentalist, choosing not to eat cow. And I can’t stand to eat meat (ham) that would seem to have more grease than substance. However, I still eat the cheese, and with cheese alone comes gas, but I guess that is more Jewish anyway. Merry Christmas.