The Other White Meat

Grant received a shirt in the mail a few weeks ago and with it came a prize. It was one of those little sticky hand thingies. You know, those things that you could get for a quarter out of a vending machine? They are made of a sticky plastic material and is connected to a long sticky string so you can fling it against the wall. The only difference was that this one was not a hand on the end of a string but rather a Domo Kun.

My son has hundreds of dollars in toys and yet when he saw this it was the only thing he chose to play with for most of the usable hours in his day. I suppose it was at least a step up for playing with old receipts and dry cleaner claim tickets he finds in the bottom of the diaper bag. Until it broke (you will understand why this was inevitable in a moment) most of what he did with this cheap, piece of crap toy was swing it around wildly attempting to take out his own eye or one of my breakable candlesticks. It was less than pleasing but I figured probably harmless and it occupied him so I let it go for the most part. What I absolutely did not want him to do was put it in his mouth. Because, call me paranoid, but I am pretty sure a sticky plastic rubber band is the last thing you would want lodged in your throat. Since Charlie has selective hearing when it comes to rules, I threatened to take it away as well as actually took it away about...47 gabillion times. One evening, shortly before Domo Kun met his demise, Charlie, once again, tried to bite the head off, and once again, I told him I would take it away from him if he bit it again.

He took it out of his mouth, gave me a sneaky little look and then proceeded to walk behind his train table and "hide." I say "hide" because he is much taller than the train table and even if he crouches down, you can still totally see him. I knew what he was trying to do as soon as he walked over to the table mainly because he is only two and I'm a grown-up who is way smarter than him. I am also way better at hiding. I mean, come on kid, did you even once think about leaving the room I was in to commit your crime actually out of my sight? How about behind the curtians at least?

And this is why I always win at hide-and-seek.

The other reason I knew what he was doing was because after his sorry attempt to hide from me, he popped his little head up from behind the table with the domo kun actually hanging out of his mouth. He looked around and then directly at me with a look that seemed to say "Woah! How did you know I was back here!" He seemed shocked that I had "discovered" what he was doing. Yes, excellent detective work on my part what with all the sitting here on the couch and watching you do it. Fighting the very strong urge to laugh, I tried to give Charlie my best, "I am very upset with your behavior face" and instructed him to come and speak with me at once.

I explained to him that being sneaky like that was not okay. In some ways it was a lot like a lie. When mommy or daddy tells you not to do something you need to follow the rules both when they can see you and when they can't see you (even though I totally could). Because hiding your bad behavior is not being truthful and is still wrong, even if no one can see you do it.

Have I lost you? I'm sure I have. Just like the concept likely flew right over Charlie's head as well. But I don't care. He needs to learn that lying is wrong and the truth, as they say, shall set you free (although, probably still get your Domo Kun taken away).

So fast forward a few days and I make pork chops for dinner. I cut up a few pieces for Charlie's plate knowing that it is unlikely he will eat it because it is not made of noodles and covered in neon orange cheese sauce. To my surprise he starts to gobble up the little cubes of pork. He even asks for more.

"Of course you can have more, honey! You really like these pork chops, don't you?"

"This isn't pork."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not. This is chicken. I don't like pork."

Now what do I do? I looked at Grant and in my best "ventriloquist" style of speech I said, "So...are we uh, doing this or what?" Because remember, hiding bad behavior is not being truthful and still wrong even if no one....GODDAMMIT MY PARENTING COMES BACK TO BITE ME IN THE ASS SOMETIMES!!!!

I wish I could say I said something like, "No Charlie, it is actually pork you are eating and while, I know this is probably going to cause a tantrum at the dinner table because you are going to insist that it is chicken and really what is most important here is that you are actually eating the damn stuff and not whether or not it came from a furred or feathered creature, that would be a lie. And lying is wrong. That said, another chop, my dear?"

But I caved.

"I DON'T LIKE PORK MOMMY! I LIKE CHICKEN!"

"Uh-huh. Would you like some more?"

"Chicken?"

"Some more...meat?"

"Sure!"

Hey, you know what?!?! Judge all you want! No one told anybody anything about lying by omission. One lesson at a time, I say.