Skating in Milk

My lovely sister-in-law, Allison, told me a story once of a former acquaintance of hers. Her friend was having a day, probably not unlike many other days when you are juggling work, your kids and everything else in between. Upon coming home from this long day which ended with a trip to the grocery store, her very small son thought he would "help" put the two very heavy gallon jugs of milk on the counter. I'll give you one guess to what happened next.

Splash.

"So we skated in it." She told Allison. Her children and her skated in the spilled milk. Because you know why? Sometimes that is all you can do.

I try to remind myself of this story often, especially on days when it feels like I am waste deep in milk. But I was reminded of it the other day but this time in a more literal sense when I got a phone call from my sister.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Question. Do you know the best way to clean up olive oil from the floor?"

"Oh boy, did you spill?"

"Um, yes. I dropped and broke the brand new bottle I just bought from Trader Joe's."

After a quick Google search, I found her an answer. "Online it says, oatmeal. Pour oatmeal on the spill. Leave for 20 minutes, then sweep it up."

"Ok, great. Also, glad I bought oatmeal as well."

I have to say, I was proud of my little sister for remaining so calm. With everything she has going on in her life, including but not limited to bills, rent, school and a demanding little dog named Joey who is just a monocle and a smoking jacket away from being a grouchy old man, an oil spill was the last thing she needed. And even though now, what she did need was a new bottle of olive oil and tub of oatmeal, the bottom line was there are important things in life than crying over spilled, err, oil. Although, I don't recommend actually skating in it; that is a head injury and a trip to the ER waiting to happen.

Slowly Killing Myself With Food.

As previously mentioned here, I decided to make a life list of food. Well, after the first overnight away from my sweet baby boy which included (but was not limited to) red lipstick, a fabulous dress and a few too many cocktails, I was able to fulfill one of those items on the list: chicken fried steak, from Pelton Cafe in San Leandro.

Since the bag of potato chips I ate from the mini bar of our hotel that morning didn't fully take away the feeling of "blech" caused by the night before, I figured a steak, breaded and chicken-fried, couldn't hurt.

The reality was, however, the only thing that was really going to cure this mama's hangover was to go back in time and not mix my liquors. Since that was impossible, the steak was a close second to a cure and it was, unfortunately for my waistline, quite fabulous.

So, check. One life list item, done. Now I have one for you to add to your list.

Three words: Bacon. Salted. Caramels.

Dude....dude. I know what you are thinking: I am a disgusting human being. This may be true but you know what?

I don't even care.

It went down like this. We ate a lot of bacon over the holidays and since we have a temperamental disposal and I was always taught not to pour bacon grease down the sink (and I like to come up with excuses to cook with it later) I save it in a foil-lined bowl and throw it away once it has hardened. So I thought to myself, "You need butter to make caramels. Butter is a fat. Bacon grease is a fat. Bacon is salty. And since bacon is delicious..."

My logic was spot on, I think—it just seemed like the obvious path to take.



I basically used this recipe but instead of 5 tablespoons of butter, I used 2 1/2 of butter and 2 1/2 of bacon fat.



I let my caramel boil until about 250 degrees instead of 248 degrees like the recipe calls for. It didn't seem to be thickening like I was used to from previous batches I'd made using all butter. Perhaps this was from my substitution of bacon fat for butter. However, I think the more likely culprit was the fact that I didn't have a full cup of cream. I had to use about a 1/4 cup of half and half to make it a full cup.

Either way, the caramels came out a little soft, so it was a bit more of a challenge to get them out of the pan and into wax paper rolls. However, it was not any more challenging to get them into the hole in my face.



Oh. My. God. They were unbelievable. I recommend you stop what you are doing right now and get to caramel making. It will shave several months off your life expectancy, but it will be worth it.