Unsolicited Parenting Advice #7

So, I hate cleaning. I do it because it is one of those things you "have to do" because otherwise you'll start to lose friends and end up with your own show on TLC, but it is not at all fun to me. I know there are some people out there who actually enjoy the act of cleaning, but I just don't get it. I understand there is a feeling of accomplishment once you have cleaned a room but that feeling is brief for me. Mainly because I know I won't be able to keep it that way anyway and in a couple days, it will all be a mess again and I'll think to myself, "I could either clean this or sit down on the couch with a bag of cookies and watch Real Housewives." (The choice is clearly the latter. Also, I swear I am not depressed....that depressed.)

But cleaning is a necessary evil. Sometimes to help me take that extra step off the couch and away from the trashy TV and bags of carbs I trick myself into having to clean with of few of these simple tips:

1. Invite guests over. I mean, sure you live in squalor a lot of the time but you don't want anyone to know that! 

2. Get sick. I realize this is probably a less than desirable choice to get your house clean. See, I am just getting over the walking death and during that time I absolutely did not clean. In fact, I was the antithesis of clean considering I was hacking my germs all over everything. Great things became of this. You see, Grant wouldn't let me touch anything, like the dishes, the laundry, or him.  In fact, he slept on the couch for the past four nights and I am beginning to think that Charlie now thinks that is where Daddy sleeps now. I can't wait for him to divulge this information to the coffee shop the barista or his preschool teacher. But the best part about all this is I didn't have to clean a thing.

But then I got better. As soon as started to feel better I had to clean because, um, ew. Specifically my bathroom. I cleaned the hell out of that bathroom. And then I got winded and had to lay down. But we are still 24 hours and counting with a freaking clean bathroom. I call that a success.

3. Plan a messy activity. Sometimes I give Charlie something to do that will force me to clean up afterwards and probably have to take cleaning to the next level (ie: sweep and mop the floor.) Since today was rainy and my son was going insane it was time to get messy.

This was my favorite thing to make when I was a preschool teacher. It's technical name is "oobleck" which is annoying and preschool-teachery. There are plenty of recipes online for it, like this one, but I just mix some corn starch and water and food coloring until it becomes THE COOLEST CONSISTENCY EVER!!!

Is it a solid? Is it a liquid? Will it get all over the kitchen? Yes it will. But Charlie played with it for a good solid hour. No. Joke. That is 60 minutes, moms and dads. That is like one whole hour of Real Housewives! (Or you can play with your child, talk about what it feels likes, what it looks like, blah blah blah). If I am being honest, I was right in there with him for at least half of that time playing with the stuff; it's strangely therapeutic.

Did I mention he was also not wearing pants? No? We have a lot of days like this at our house. Neither here nor there.  Anyway, so tomorrow I am thinking about squirting shaving cream all over the floor and telling him to GO NUTS!

The Other White Meat

Grant received a shirt in the mail a few weeks ago and with it came a prize. It was one of those little sticky hand thingies. You know, those things that you could get for a quarter out of a vending machine? They are made of a sticky plastic material and is connected to a long sticky string so you can fling it against the wall. The only difference was that this one was not a hand on the end of a string but rather a Domo Kun.

My son has hundreds of dollars in toys and yet when he saw this it was the only thing he chose to play with for most of the usable hours in his day. I suppose it was at least a step up for playing with old receipts and dry cleaner claim tickets he finds in the bottom of the diaper bag. Until it broke (you will understand why this was inevitable in a moment) most of what he did with this cheap, piece of crap toy was swing it around wildly attempting to take out his own eye or one of my breakable candlesticks. It was less than pleasing but I figured probably harmless and it occupied him so I let it go for the most part. What I absolutely did not want him to do was put it in his mouth. Because, call me paranoid, but I am pretty sure a sticky plastic rubber band is the last thing you would want lodged in your throat. Since Charlie has selective hearing when it comes to rules, I threatened to take it away as well as actually took it away about...47 gabillion times. One evening, shortly before Domo Kun met his demise, Charlie, once again, tried to bite the head off, and once again, I told him I would take it away from him if he bit it again.

He took it out of his mouth, gave me a sneaky little look and then proceeded to walk behind his train table and "hide." I say "hide" because he is much taller than the train table and even if he crouches down, you can still totally see him. I knew what he was trying to do as soon as he walked over to the table mainly because he is only two and I'm a grown-up who is way smarter than him. I am also way better at hiding. I mean, come on kid, did you even once think about leaving the room I was in to commit your crime actually out of my sight? How about behind the curtians at least?

And this is why I always win at hide-and-seek.

The other reason I knew what he was doing was because after his sorry attempt to hide from me, he popped his little head up from behind the table with the domo kun actually hanging out of his mouth. He looked around and then directly at me with a look that seemed to say "Woah! How did you know I was back here!" He seemed shocked that I had "discovered" what he was doing. Yes, excellent detective work on my part what with all the sitting here on the couch and watching you do it. Fighting the very strong urge to laugh, I tried to give Charlie my best, "I am very upset with your behavior face" and instructed him to come and speak with me at once.

I explained to him that being sneaky like that was not okay. In some ways it was a lot like a lie. When mommy or daddy tells you not to do something you need to follow the rules both when they can see you and when they can't see you (even though I totally could). Because hiding your bad behavior is not being truthful and is still wrong, even if no one can see you do it.

Have I lost you? I'm sure I have. Just like the concept likely flew right over Charlie's head as well. But I don't care. He needs to learn that lying is wrong and the truth, as they say, shall set you free (although, probably still get your Domo Kun taken away).

So fast forward a few days and I make pork chops for dinner. I cut up a few pieces for Charlie's plate knowing that it is unlikely he will eat it because it is not made of noodles and covered in neon orange cheese sauce. To my surprise he starts to gobble up the little cubes of pork. He even asks for more.

"Of course you can have more, honey! You really like these pork chops, don't you?"

"This isn't pork."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not. This is chicken. I don't like pork."

Now what do I do? I looked at Grant and in my best "ventriloquist" style of speech I said, "So...are we uh, doing this or what?" Because remember, hiding bad behavior is not being truthful and still wrong even if no one....GODDAMMIT MY PARENTING COMES BACK TO BITE ME IN THE ASS SOMETIMES!!!!

I wish I could say I said something like, "No Charlie, it is actually pork you are eating and while, I know this is probably going to cause a tantrum at the dinner table because you are going to insist that it is chicken and really what is most important here is that you are actually eating the damn stuff and not whether or not it came from a furred or feathered creature, that would be a lie. And lying is wrong. That said, another chop, my dear?"

But I caved.

"I DON'T LIKE PORK MOMMY! I LIKE CHICKEN!"

"Uh-huh. Would you like some more?"

"Chicken?"

"Some more...meat?"

"Sure!"

Hey, you know what?!?! Judge all you want! No one told anybody anything about lying by omission. One lesson at a time, I say.  

Happy Halloween (late)

Here is another beauty from my good friend, Joel. While pleased with his contribution, I was a bit surprised that he chose to write a post about Halloween, considering several years ago, Joel eliminated nearly all refined sugar from his diet. This was no easy task for Joel because I know that there was a point in his life where he could eat his weight in Kit Kat bars. I think a small part of his heart still yearns for one final chocolaty wafer of pure goodness. 

PS: Sorry this post is so late. My intention was to have it up on or before Halloween but I have been dealing with some insurance company BS that was very stressful and annoying but is too long of a story for you to read and/or care about. I will tell you this though: Insurance companies can go eat a bowl of...well, I won't finish that sentence but it ain't festive snack-size candy bars, I'll tell you that much.

A Halloween Gift
by Joel Daniel

Preface: Heather, curator of I Love Tongs, asked me to write a guest blog last year about Hanukah (I think because I am the only Jew she knows). I agreed, but, unfortunately, found myself with a case of writers block. With this post, I am hoping my block is lifted and I can contribute a piece for each of the remaining secular and Jewish holidays that remain for 2012. Here is to Halloween. L’chaim.

As Halloween approaches, nostalgia and warm feelings consume me. Halloween is the greatest holiday, and not for the reasons most people think.¹ It is the giving. Sometimes it is the gift of laughter or amazement in looking at a clever costume; other times lust and a fantasy fixation for the remainder of the year; still other times a kiss with a stranger that dressed like a Klingon at a bar you can only vaguely remember how you got to. Obviously, there are gifts of candy to local children,² and finally there are gifts between neighbors and good citizens that did not know they had anything to give to begin with. I want to discuss one such occasion.

I grew up in what many would describe as an idyllic town in California’s great Central Valley. It has its fair share of rednecks, meth labs and crank addicts, but it also has quaint neighborhoods where neighbors know each other’s names and probably what they ate for breakfast.

My best friend lived in one of these neighborhoods, and he had these neighbors; by proxy, I had these neighbors. One of my friend’s neighbors (I will refer to them as the “Cleavers”) were the kind of people that elaborately decorate their house for every holiday, paying close attention to those having something to do with old J.C.: rabbits, baby Jeezey, fancy lights, etc. Another neighbor (I will refer to them as the “Bundys”) did not, at least judging by their outdoor décor, relish in the holidays.³ Importantly, the Cleavers had to pass the Bundys' house to reach their own, but because the street ended in a cul-de-sac, the reverse was not true.

When I was thirteen, and dealing with the confusion of hair sprouting from unfamiliar places, and the alienation that comes from being a teenager, my friend and I decided to take a break from scheming ways to look at the adult magazine section of the local liquor store to do a neighborly deed. It started with a ceramic pumpkin shaped candleholder residing on the Cleavers' porch – adjacent to the naked porch of the Bundys'. On the day inspiration struck, we were headed to Thrifty’s for some ice cream on some rad BMX bicycles. Upon seeing the pumpkin, a question was posed: “I wonder what we could do with that?” As nice as the pumpkin looked, it was apparent it probably had a different and better life in store. A plan formulated on our little ice cream jaunt. At the store we purchased a Hallmark-style greeting card (along with the double fudge chunk we had set out for), walked across the street, and liberated a box from the dumpster of the shoe store.

With box, card, and ice cream dripping in hand, we rode back to the “hood” and waited patiently for dark.⁴ Under the cover of clouds and darkness, we made our way to the bushes outside the Cleavers' house. When the light of their porch was turned off for the night,⁵ we took the pumpkin and placed it in our box. We sealed the box, and waited another hour until the light on the Bundys' porch went out. We placed the box on their porch wrapped neatly with a bow—found in my friend’s mother’s gift-wrapping drawer—and the card, on which we inscribed:

“To: the Bundys.
From: the Cleavers.
From our house to yours
Happy Halloween Neighbors!”

We patted ourselves gently on each other’s respective backs and went to bed.⁶

The following morning, we woke, dressed, ate a Girl Scout cookie, and climbed atop our BMXs to ride. We saw the same thing the Cleavers would see day after day (during the fall season), year after year: a⁷ ceramic pumpkin candleholder sitting on the Bundys' porch. This is the meaning of Halloween. Tricks and Treats. The warmness that comes from sharing with neighbors – even things the neighborhood may not have realized were available to share. Happy Halloween.

--

1. i.e. Boys dress like girls, and girls dress like they are auditioning to be showgirls.
2. And A-hole teenagers that just can’t let this tradition go. 
3. Oddly, one year they put up blue and white lights at Christmas. They probably bought them on clearance from the grocery store not realizing these were Israel’s colors (my town was not a bastion for Jewish people), and probably thought why not dip into holiday decorating cheaply to see how it felt. Regardless, it brought a twinkle to my eye.
4. Most likely we played Legend of Zelda, and ate Girl Scout cookies out of his parents' freezer.
5. At 10 p.m., as every night, like a well-functioning digestive system.
6. We probably played more Zelda and ate more cookies first.
7. (their)

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #6 (Sorta)

I remember the first time I took Charlie to the store by myself. Well, I don't actually remember if it was the exact first time, but to be fair, at that time in his life, I often didn't remember to eat, shower or urinate regularly. What I do remember was he was very, very little. As in, unable to focus on anything further than 3 inches from his face, little. And I imagine I just needed a couple things and thought to myself, "He'll be fine. How long can getting four items from the store take, anyway?"

I was such a fool.

He slept the whole time I was shopping. In other words, while the cart was moving. But, as soon as I entered a line to buy my groceries and the vibrations of the wheels stopped, he woke up. And since newborns are still are unclear as to why they are not swimming in around in a nice, warm water bath and receiving a constant supply of nutrients from the sandwiches and bowls of ice cream their mother is shoving into her face-hole, he got mad. Really mad.

As he started to scream, it felt like all eyes were on me which is not that far from the truth, considering we were trapped in a grocery store cue with no where to go. I could feel my pits moisten and that all too familiar tingle of my milk coming in. I tried to stay calm and just gently shush my sad little boy even though what I really wanted to do was start uncomfortably cry/laughing and say, "Ha! I just...it's just that, the thing is, hahahahahaha, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I"M DOING!"

I am not sure if everyone in front of me with paying with a check or if time was actually standing still for a brief moment, but after what seemed like hours, it was FINALLY my turn to pay. The checker then proceeded to tell me that my baby was crying.

Yes, he is. Thank you.

"He is hungry." She told me. I think I laughed nervously while awkwardly fumbling for my ATM card.

"I think he needs a bottle. You should bring a bottle with you because he is hungry." While trying to fight the puddles that were beginning to well in my eyes, I said, well, probably nothing. Or simply, "yeah" or "okay" and then took my bag of groceries and got the hell out of there. At the time, I remember thinking that maybe that lady was right. The truth was he probably woke up and felt hungry and started to cry. But that is not what I thought she was right about. Should I have a bottle with me all the time? I mean, I know I have chosen to exclusively breast feed but maybe I should have a a bottle of formula ready to go just because the random checker at Safeway says so. Because clearly I am a terrible excuse for a mother because my infant was crying for 17 seconds.

Of course, now that I am more experienced (and more rested on a daily basis) I realize that that lady can shove it. If I could go back in time I probably would have something something like, "Oh!!! Hungry!! So that is why he has been crying like that for the past four weeks! I mean, I fed him at the hospital but no one told me I had to keep feeding him! Thank you random lady and yes, I would like paper bags, please."

Why having a child also means that you are wearing a giant sandwich board that reads, "I NEED ADVICE" is so strange to me. Wendy Molyneux was able to explain exactly how I felt most times I went out in public with my newborn here. This is probably my favorite quote:

"Yes, he IS crying, isn’t he? You are right. He’s probably hungry. Should I feed him? And if so, where do I put the food? His eyeball? His butt? What kinds of cuts of meat do babies like? Should I not give him hot peppers? How much salt is too much, and when can I expect him to use a knife? If he spits up, should I have him put to sleep?"

 I speak only for myself, but what came to realize as I navigated the daily ins and outs of being a new parent is this: We have have no idea what we are doing and exactly what we are doing. We don't know what our child needs but know exactly how to fix it. And we are all just doing the best job we know how to do.

So please, parents of the world, have a little confidence in yourself because you know what you are doing. And if you don't, you'll figure it out. But rest assured that no one knows what your child needs better than you do.

And to the random lady in the office supply aisle at Target. Yes, my son is crying. And yes, he is probably hungry or he crapped his pants or I just told him that Santa isn't real. But you wanna know what I think? I promise you I know what I am doing and I don't need your help. So please, admire how adorable my child is and aside from the off chance that I leave his car seat on the hood of my car and start to drive away, kindly keep your big trap shut. And go with the mulit-colored post-it notes because, hey, go crazy.

Smart Boy

(To be fair, I usually opt for a savory breakfast if given the choice. )

"Charlie, what would you like for breakfast?"

"Um, I think...a hot dog."

"We don't eat hot dogs for breakfast, silly!"

"We eat them for lunch?"

"Yes."

"OK, then I would like lunch."

Stuffed Zuchinni

A friend of mine has a garden that produces way more veggies than her family can eat. This works out well for me because I don't have a garden or the ability to keep most plants alive. If you know anything about summer squash, it grows like a weed and if you turn your back on the suckers for even a moment, you'll get giant freak-show sized vegetables. This is not far from what happened in her garden and one day she presented me with this one:

I considered it cancelling my gym membership and just dragging this thing around with me for the the rest of my life.(Because if it wasn't already clear from my duck lips, that was one heavy son of a bitch.) But I decided to keep paying my monthly dues so I can use their elliptical machines for 45 minutes every couple days and instead, this zucchini was headed for the food processes.  I ended up making two loaves of bread and freezing half of it for bread another day. Since I still had leftovers, I saved those to hide in Charlie's scrambled eggs because I can be sneaky like that sometimes.

I imagine the summer squash will keep coming for a while, and while I am in no way complaining, I need to get creative with my preparation so as not to get board. Besides the bread and the scrambles I have sauteed it, roasted it and most recently, stuffed it. And, really, what doesn't taste better filled with meat and cheese? Dare I say, nothing does.

I sauteed an onion, scallions, garlic and fresh mint until tender, then added the ground beef and cooked until browned.

This is one of my favorite kitchen tools. And I have never used it for it's original intention. But look it how well it handles gutting a zucchini.

See? Gorgeous.

Once the meat as cooled, add crumbled goat cheese, toasted bread crumbs and chopped tomatoes (the ones I used also happened to be from her garden and they tasted like what candy would taste like if candy was made from tomatoes.)

Stuff the squash (don't be shy, really pack in in there). Top it with some more of the toasted bread crumbs and bake in a 350 degree oven until heated through and bubbling. Basically, since I have made this, all I can think about are other things I can stuff with meat and cheese.

The things I learned today

1. I still got it.

2. I actually no longer have low back pain everyday. (Some days, sure. Just not everyday anymore and that's a big deal.)

3. I discovered the only way I will ever make Rice Krispy Treats again. EVER. You're welcome.

Salted Brown Butter Krispy Treats. Sweet mother of all things holy.