Unsolicited Parenting Advice #5

These days, Charlie needs a lot. For example, he NEEDS to jump off of every curb he sees. He NEEDS to hold all the groceries in his part of the cart. He NEEDS to eat the cereal out of my bowl instead of the exact same cereal in his bowl. All very valid needs, indeed, and I deal with them on a case by case basis.

Sometimes these needs of his make it even more difficult to leave the house on time. And while I understand that he probably really does need to touch every single one of his toys on his way out the door, the doctor doesn't tend to buy that excuse when you are twenty minutes late and they have given your appointment away. In a perfect world, this would never be a problem because I would be just that organized, leaving plenty of time for all the toy fiddling needs but that is not real life and I would rather sleep to the last possible second than be "ready ahead of time." Since that is just not realistic most days, sometimes doing whatever I need to so we can get out the door on time is what this mama "needs" to do.

Since I know this about myself, I try my best when I am not rushing to make an extra effort to not pull him away from an activity because of my insane time schedule. Tonight, at the end of his bath, I told him it was time to get out and to go push the lever to let the water out. Getting out of the bath is a similar to trying to get out of the house. All of a sudden he remembers all the toys he "forgot" to play with and maybe he should wash his belly one more time and Mommy, since we are just sitting here doing nothing, let me tell you about my entire day in great detail. This evening was no exception. When he swam over the drain on his belly and pushed the lever for the drain. Probably by accident, while trying to push himself up to standing so I could get him out, his hand covered the drain and the sound of the water leaving the tub slowed almost to a stop. He did it again and again, until finally he looked up at me with a giant smile that seemed to say, "Mom, I just discovered the coolest thing ever!"

When the tub finally drained and I did get him out of the bath I asked, "Charlie, what happened when you put your hand over the drain?"

"It was going little."

"And then when you took your hand off?"

"It got big."

A completely organic discovery by my two-year-old about how a drain works, all because I gave him an extra 30 seconds to figure it out. So awesome.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #4

When it comes to nutrition, deception is key.

I am very lucky that my child is willing to eat a wide variety of food. He eats nearly all fruit and tolerates a few vegetables. While I am happy that he will eat two bites of broccoli without coaxing at dinner, I do not believe him when he says he is done after those two bites. I mean, really? You're full? Because I bet you'd be changing your tune if I handed you an ice-cream sundae or a bag of Cheetos. Therefore, I sneak the veggies in whenever possible.

If your child is anything like Charlie, they are willing to eat an entire casserole of macaroni and cheese in a single sitting. This is a perfect place to sneak in the veggies. Broccoli, spinach and mushrooms are all delicious options. However, if your child is on to your little games and picks around anything that is green, I have an awesome alternative: cauliflower. It is white and almost indistinguishable against the noodles. Also, I am pretty sure this trick would work on adults who refuse to eat veggies as well.

I enjoy making mac-n-cheese from scratch but I imagine it would work with the boxed version, too. I chopped up the cauliflower into tiny rice-sized pieces. I mixed it in with the cooked noodles and cheese sauce then baked the casserole until heated through.

At dinner, I served Charlie the macaroni and a small side of cauliflower because I always try to give him some of the veggie in it's non hidden form to at least encourage him to try it.

"Do you want to try some cauliflower?"

"No." he says, as he takes another bite of macaroni.

"HA! Well, jokes on you kid!!! BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE SOME, SUCKER!!!"

(Don't say that.)

Another sneaky place to hide veggies is in things like meatloaf and even fruit smoothies. That's right, people. Sometimes my kid drinks kale shakes for breakfast.


And he looks good while doing it! AMIRITE Ladies??

A good friend and former co-worker of mine, Milena, used to talk about how she would make "mashed potatoes and friends" for her son. Basically, it was mashed potatoes with a bunch of other cooked veggies mixed into it. So sneaky and so delicious.


Leeks, green garlic, spinach and some lemon zest. Tonight it was going to be mashed potatoes and green friends, apparently.


Saute the greens in olive oil until tender then mix into the mashed potatoes with a splash of milk and some grated parmesan cheese. The cheese is (not really) optional.

So did Charlie eat it?

Um, no.

But that is not the point. The point is that I am trying to expose him to a variety of food....you know what, screw it. Have a bag of Cheetos, kid. And how about you just dip them in ketchup while you're at it.

Bop-less

Shhhh....listen. Do you hear that beautiful sound?

The sound I am speaking of, also known as silence, is happening right now because my boy is napping! If I am being completely honest, I have little room to complain as he has always been a good sleeper. Actually, take that back: Charlie has always been a great sleeper. I knew we must have gotten the deluxe model of baby when at just two-months-old, we put him to bed after his last feeding at around 11 p.m. and then Grant and I woke up to a quiet house at 7 a.m. Convinced that something terrible must have happened, we rushed into his room. What we found was our swaddled little monkey, happily snoozing away. Thank God the sound of our jaws dropping to the floor did not wake him. Instead, we gave each other a silent "high five," crept out of the room, crawled back into bed and promised we would buy him anything he ever wanted for Christmas, forever. Barring any illness or unforeseen circumstances, he has been sleeping like that ever since.

When other parents would ask me, "So, how is he sleeping? Still keeping you guys up?" I would cringe and say, "Not really. He has been sleeping through the night for a while now." They would look at me quizzically and ask, "Like, since when?"

That's when I would brace myself, give them the answer, and then throw my arms up in an effort to block the punch that was headed straight for my skull. It was a warranted sucker punch to the face though; sleep deprivation can make you do crazy things, or so I've been told.

Up until a week ago, naps were also no problem at all. But then, we decided it was time to throw a wrench into this whole perfect set-up and take away the pacifier, or as Charlie lovingly refers to it, his "bop."

I was anticipating a serious battle of wills when it came to taking the bop away, especially at night. For several months now, Charlie was only using his bop for nap and bedtime but never during the day. He never asked for it during the day either, but when it was time to go to sleep he knew what was coming.

"Get bop?" he'd ask.

"Yes, we will go get bop." I'd say and he would start to giggle with delight. As soon as he saw it he would shake from the anticipation of all the awesome soothing that was about to occur. After a story or two (or five sometimes) he would go to his crib, wide awake with not so much as a whimper and fall asleep all on his own.

(Seriously, why am I doing this again? I mean, so he takes his bop to college? Who cares! )

A few weeks before saying goodbye to his bops, we began talking about how he was such a big boy and pretty soon he wasn't going to need them anymore. Maybe he could give them away to a baby who needs them? He agreed that he was in fact a big boy and he seemed willing to give them away. Easier said than done, I thought.

The first night without it was remarkably easy and I was so very proud of my big boy that I almost cried. I then realized that the truth was this manipulative little stinker has been playing me for a fool and probably could have ditched the thing 6 months ago. Well played, little one, well played. But, if night time was so easy that nap time should be a breeze.

Or so I thought.

The first nap, both Grant and I were home. He went down without a protest like the night before and we thought we had it made. But then he started talking to himself which turned to singing and then to screaming. He clearly wasn't going to sleep so we caved and went in to get him likely just seconds before he began dismantling his crib.

The next day I was home by myself with Charlie and fearing we would have a repeat of the day before, I decided on a "no mercy" approach and mercy, I had none. He lasted for about 2 minutes and then the wailing began. But I was not going to let him get to me; this was nap time and he could sleep or cry all he wanted but he was staying in there for at least one hour. Besides I had brownies to eat and talk shows to watch and all the other things stay-at-home moms do! Right? I'm sorry, I forgot, it wasn't talk shows to watch, it was bathrooms to clean which means it sure as hell wasn't the kind of brownies you were initially thinking of either.

The day three nap had to be better though, right? It became clear right away that I was about to have a repeat of the day before. But I was sticking to my decision: no mercy. So when I went upstairs and he was screaming "Mommy sing me a song! Mommy sing me a song!!!" And I stood outside his door, my heart broken into 70 million pieces at my feet trying to convince my brain that this mom was NO MERCY!

And then I opened the door to his room. I mean for Christ's sake, he wants me to sing him a song!!! You think he is going to ask for that when he is 15-years-old? I picked him up and said, "Charlie it is nap time so I will sing you one song and then it is time for bed. Do you understand?" He whimpered out a pathetic, "yes."

We sat down in the rocker, his head on my shoulder and requested "Homeward Bound" by Ben Kweller. He was asleep before I got through the first chorus. That's when I realized that I was clearly asking too much of him. Just days before I allowed him to go to sleep with a tool and then I took that tool away without replacing it with something else. So now, I spend a few extra minutes helping him fall asleep with a song or two. It's not going to last forever and someday I imagine I'd bet I'll be willing to do just about anything to rock him to sleep one more time.

What? "No mercy mom" also knows how to compromise!


Charlie at seven months old when this thing was basically another appendage.


Charlie Shellen: Train conductor, lover of mac-n-cheese and Super Big Boy.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #1

I got a bachelors degree in Child Development because I thought I wanted to be a teacher. A preschool teacher, to be exact. So right out of college, that was my first job. Now, I don't know if you know this but kids are really annoying. Especially 24 of them, all in the same room together, high on juice and play dough fumes, and only 21 of them are truly "potty trained." But, I loved children so the fact that I wanted to lock half of them in the bathroom everyday was shocking to me. Since I wanted to continue to love children, I decided it best I get a new profession. So I did, and I loved it. While I didn't work with them directly, it still involved helping kids just with a lot less boogers and tempura paint on my jeans.

Even though I couldn't cut it as a preschool teacher, I am super thankful for my child development background now that I am mom. I am no expert and would never claim to be one. I am very aware of the fact that I am making mistakes (probably daily). I even do things I swore I would never, ever do. In college, I would be willing to bet I uttered the phrase, "What kind of mother would allow her child to watch television under the age of two??"

Well, who has two thumbs and needs a GODDAMN MINUTE TO COOK DINNER???

This mom. (Gasp! She what?? What a hypocrite!)

Okay, OKAY!!! I get it and it honestly goes against a lot of what I believe in but since my child insists on standing under my legs while I am at the stove cooking, (food that is meant to keep him ALIVE, mind you) it becomes a matter of safety. Twenty minutes of "Dinosaur Train" is a hell of a lot better than an irreparable face burn. At least that is how I talk myself out of feeling guilty.

Television is not the only activity I do with my son, of course. For the love of God, I was Child Development major. Which is why I know how important it is to develop fine motor skills. What I have for you, my mom and dad friends out there, is a step by step guide for a DIY fine motor skills activity.

Step 1.

Obtain an empty bottle. Might I suggest a handle of Segram's or perhaps a jug of Carlo Rossi merlot? Oh who am I kidding! Those are made of glass! How inappropriate of me to suggest such a thing. An empty water bottle like this will do just fine.

Step 2.

Drink a lot of wine. Save the corks.

Step 3.

Look at the magic of coordination happen right before your eyes!


Never has a child been happier to be playing with something that was intended for the trash.