Unsolicited Parenting Advice #5

These days, Charlie needs a lot. For example, he NEEDS to jump off of every curb he sees. He NEEDS to hold all the groceries in his part of the cart. He NEEDS to eat the cereal out of my bowl instead of the exact same cereal in his bowl. All very valid needs, indeed, and I deal with them on a case by case basis.

Sometimes these needs of his make it even more difficult to leave the house on time. And while I understand that he probably really does need to touch every single one of his toys on his way out the door, the doctor doesn't tend to buy that excuse when you are twenty minutes late and they have given your appointment away. In a perfect world, this would never be a problem because I would be just that organized, leaving plenty of time for all the toy fiddling needs but that is not real life and I would rather sleep to the last possible second than be "ready ahead of time." Since that is just not realistic most days, sometimes doing whatever I need to so we can get out the door on time is what this mama "needs" to do.

Since I know this about myself, I try my best when I am not rushing to make an extra effort to not pull him away from an activity because of my insane time schedule. Tonight, at the end of his bath, I told him it was time to get out and to go push the lever to let the water out. Getting out of the bath is a similar to trying to get out of the house. All of a sudden he remembers all the toys he "forgot" to play with and maybe he should wash his belly one more time and Mommy, since we are just sitting here doing nothing, let me tell you about my entire day in great detail. This evening was no exception. When he swam over the drain on his belly and pushed the lever for the drain. Probably by accident, while trying to push himself up to standing so I could get him out, his hand covered the drain and the sound of the water leaving the tub slowed almost to a stop. He did it again and again, until finally he looked up at me with a giant smile that seemed to say, "Mom, I just discovered the coolest thing ever!"

When the tub finally drained and I did get him out of the bath I asked, "Charlie, what happened when you put your hand over the drain?"

"It was going little."

"And then when you took your hand off?"

"It got big."

A completely organic discovery by my two-year-old about how a drain works, all because I gave him an extra 30 seconds to figure it out. So awesome.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #4

When it comes to nutrition, deception is key.

I am very lucky that my child is willing to eat a wide variety of food. He eats nearly all fruit and tolerates a few vegetables. While I am happy that he will eat two bites of broccoli without coaxing at dinner, I do not believe him when he says he is done after those two bites. I mean, really? You're full? Because I bet you'd be changing your tune if I handed you an ice-cream sundae or a bag of Cheetos. Therefore, I sneak the veggies in whenever possible.

If your child is anything like Charlie, they are willing to eat an entire casserole of macaroni and cheese in a single sitting. This is a perfect place to sneak in the veggies. Broccoli, spinach and mushrooms are all delicious options. However, if your child is on to your little games and picks around anything that is green, I have an awesome alternative: cauliflower. It is white and almost indistinguishable against the noodles. Also, I am pretty sure this trick would work on adults who refuse to eat veggies as well.

I enjoy making mac-n-cheese from scratch but I imagine it would work with the boxed version, too. I chopped up the cauliflower into tiny rice-sized pieces. I mixed it in with the cooked noodles and cheese sauce then baked the casserole until heated through.

At dinner, I served Charlie the macaroni and a small side of cauliflower because I always try to give him some of the veggie in it's non hidden form to at least encourage him to try it.

"Do you want to try some cauliflower?"

"No." he says, as he takes another bite of macaroni.

"HA! Well, jokes on you kid!!! BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE SOME, SUCKER!!!"

(Don't say that.)

Another sneaky place to hide veggies is in things like meatloaf and even fruit smoothies. That's right, people. Sometimes my kid drinks kale shakes for breakfast.


And he looks good while doing it! AMIRITE Ladies??

A good friend and former co-worker of mine, Milena, used to talk about how she would make "mashed potatoes and friends" for her son. Basically, it was mashed potatoes with a bunch of other cooked veggies mixed into it. So sneaky and so delicious.


Leeks, green garlic, spinach and some lemon zest. Tonight it was going to be mashed potatoes and green friends, apparently.


Saute the greens in olive oil until tender then mix into the mashed potatoes with a splash of milk and some grated parmesan cheese. The cheese is (not really) optional.

So did Charlie eat it?

Um, no.

But that is not the point. The point is that I am trying to expose him to a variety of food....you know what, screw it. Have a bag of Cheetos, kid. And how about you just dip them in ketchup while you're at it.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #3

Several months ago, Charlie and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home listening to the rocking tunes of "The Terrible Twos." During the song, "If You Ever See An Owl," an owl hoots in the back ground. When the owl hooted, I reacted in a way that I thought was a jovial look of surprise. Turns out, it had the opposite effect and Charlie looked out the window in fright and burst into tears. For weeks he talked about that damn owl that his imagination decided lived in the tree outside and was going to peck his eyes out in his sleep or something.

More recently, Charlie is hyper-focused on things that are scary. He got scared of a dinosaur he saw on a show. At a farm, he was scared of a rooster crowing. They were justifiable reactions at the time but he talks about them nearly every day. It has been a learning process for us dealing with his knew found fear of things. I have no idea if we are handling it correctly but I am pretty confident I know what not to do if your child find themselves fearful of something:

1. Don't tell them things like, "You better behave or the owl will become very angry with you!!!"

2. Don't hide under his bed at night and growl like a dinosaur as he is falling asleep.

3. Don't purchase a rooster to use in lieu of an alarm clock.

What I have been trying to do is down play his comments about the "scary (fill in the blank)." Obviously, if he is visibly upset he gets as many snuggles as he needs. But, if he just mentions something being scary unprovoked, if appropriate I ignore it and change the subject or simply say, "No honey, it's not scary. I think roosters/dinosaurs/owls are nice." I only hope that I am minimizing instilling any unnecessary fear in him. Besides, if I am going to make him fearful of anything, it is going to over things that are worth it. Like large bodies of water, windowless vans and Fox news.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #2

As if I didn't need another time suck in my life, I have now discovered Pinterest. It is a social networking site where you can create and share pin boards of basically anything you want. For example, crafts you will likely never do, clothes you can't afford and food you will probably never make. So it's like Facebook, but more depressing.

It is an amazing reference for ideas for the kiddos and even though I will never be the type of person who will make felted wine coasters or crochet my own jeggings, for Charlie, I am willing to do just about anything. Since you can never have too many fine motor activities for the the little ones (and it is always so lovely when they stand still) I had to try this:


Plastic strainer, pipe cleaners and a willing child. Done.


Please note: Make sure you stay close by during this activity. It doesn't take long for them to realize that these pipe cleaners will fit in other holes like, say, their ears.

And this will probably happen:



And then this:



And you know what I say to that? Quit crying to me kid, with your little hands and underdeveloped dexterity. Just figure it out. After all, those diamonds ain't gonna mine themselves. AMIRIGHT?

(Disclaimer: Child labor is not funny. Not now, not ever. However, having children to someday do chores for you while you sit on the couch and eat bon bons? HILARIOUS.)

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #1

I got a bachelors degree in Child Development because I thought I wanted to be a teacher. A preschool teacher, to be exact. So right out of college, that was my first job. Now, I don't know if you know this but kids are really annoying. Especially 24 of them, all in the same room together, high on juice and play dough fumes, and only 21 of them are truly "potty trained." But, I loved children so the fact that I wanted to lock half of them in the bathroom everyday was shocking to me. Since I wanted to continue to love children, I decided it best I get a new profession. So I did, and I loved it. While I didn't work with them directly, it still involved helping kids just with a lot less boogers and tempura paint on my jeans.

Even though I couldn't cut it as a preschool teacher, I am super thankful for my child development background now that I am mom. I am no expert and would never claim to be one. I am very aware of the fact that I am making mistakes (probably daily). I even do things I swore I would never, ever do. In college, I would be willing to bet I uttered the phrase, "What kind of mother would allow her child to watch television under the age of two??"

Well, who has two thumbs and needs a GODDAMN MINUTE TO COOK DINNER???

This mom. (Gasp! She what?? What a hypocrite!)

Okay, OKAY!!! I get it and it honestly goes against a lot of what I believe in but since my child insists on standing under my legs while I am at the stove cooking, (food that is meant to keep him ALIVE, mind you) it becomes a matter of safety. Twenty minutes of "Dinosaur Train" is a hell of a lot better than an irreparable face burn. At least that is how I talk myself out of feeling guilty.

Television is not the only activity I do with my son, of course. For the love of God, I was Child Development major. Which is why I know how important it is to develop fine motor skills. What I have for you, my mom and dad friends out there, is a step by step guide for a DIY fine motor skills activity.

Step 1.

Obtain an empty bottle. Might I suggest a handle of Segram's or perhaps a jug of Carlo Rossi merlot? Oh who am I kidding! Those are made of glass! How inappropriate of me to suggest such a thing. An empty water bottle like this will do just fine.

Step 2.

Drink a lot of wine. Save the corks.

Step 3.

Look at the magic of coordination happen right before your eyes!


Never has a child been happier to be playing with something that was intended for the trash.